After my recent totally erratic behaviour I decided to do a detox (again, again, etc.) and that involved not being able to sleep for three days and becoming quite paranoid as a result.
I'm partially sighted and, suddenly sober, I became aware that my vision is rubbish and that my eye hurts quite often. The paranoia and this revelation convinced me my eyesight was in imminent danger so I found myself in A&E quite scared about my eyesight.
There was an articulate Octogenarian patient in A&E talking about the NHS - "Look one Doctor for NHS and one for private patients - look how long we've waited."
"This country is only for the rich now, always has been."
I managed to get myself rushed through the A&E line quite quickly because of my medical history and then seen at the eye clinic where I'm normally a patient - I've been removed from the list because my cataract is slow forming so I haven't had examination in many months, I think over the years I've become psychologically dependent on them.
I've been lobbying for an eye appointment since my last detox approximately 4 weeks ago. This also must have caused a revelation / paranoia about my eyesight.
At the eye clinic I was seen absolutely last but I didn't care - everything was fine. I talked to them about my detox and how I might be being paranoid and when the results came I apologised for wasting their time (they actually stayed late for me) and they were so nice about it. They showed me my scans explained the pictures - optic nerve connection etc. and said everything was perfect.
I had waited ages but I'd found mental peace just by standing in the rain.
The Doctor said that any time I had concerns I should contact my regular Doctor and ask for a referral if I felt I needed a test. I couldn't believe how nice they were.
They were really urging me to quit smoking, because it can kill your eyes and I promised them and myself I would once the alcohol quit had properly taken hold.
I was watching the film A Beautiful Mind where the mathematician is haunted by spectres of an imaginary friend, his niece and a top spook which causes him to take on all sorts of erratic behaviours thinking they're part of a mission.
It strikes me that alcoholism is in some cases is often of a similar order. It's an illusion - an imaginary spook urging you to complete your mission to consume alcohol, to organise your life around your mission to that extent that your life and your mission are woven into one dysfunctional whole.
This stage of a detox I could call the "Reality shock stage".
I can't cope with complex social situations and as a result I resort to alcohol. Or I create complex situation through alcohol I can't cope with so drink some more alcohol - or I drink because I'm bored and it goes mad - who frikkin knows why?
Anyhow somehow reality is getting realigned.